Power, Control, and Codependency

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Power exists in all relationships. Having power means to have a sense of control, to have choices and the ability to influence our environment and others. It’s a natural and healthy instinct to exert our power to get our wants and needs met. When we feel empowered, we can manage our emotions, we believe that we matter and that we can affect outcomes. We have a sense of efficacy in our lives, rather than being at the effect of others and circumstances. Instead of reacting, we can act because we have an internal locus-of-control.

Impaired Power

          In contrast, many of us may feel powerless and victims of outside forces. We can feel like our destiny is out of our hands. Some of us voluntarily give up our power to others. We may feel uncomfortable with exercising our own power, and believe that we will alienate others. Instead, we might react to others, defer to their wants and need, and have trouble making decisions and initiating independent action. We might feel like we’re being mean or raising our voice when we merely state what we want or don’t like. This impaired sense of power is common among codependents and stems from:

1.    A habitual external focus

 2.    Shame and low self-esteem–not feeling worthy

 3.    Dependence and lack of autonomy–excessive need for a relationship

 4.    Lack of assertiveness and deference to others’ decisions

 5.    Discomfort with power and a belief that it harms relationships

 6.    Fear of rejection and abandonment

 7.    Need for others’ love and approval to feel content and happy

 8.    Denial of needs, wants, and feelings

 9.    Having unreasonable expectations of others

10.Lack of self-responsibility (victim-blame mentality)  

Power Imbalances in Relationships

         Many relationships have power imbalances. If we’ve denied our power and don’t express ourselves for any of the above reasons, it’s natural for someone else to fill the vacuum. Often in codependent relationships, one partner – sometimes an addict, narcissist, or abuse – wields power over the other. Usually the acquiescent partner attempts to exert influence in indirect or passive-aggressive ways, such as withholding. Chronic lack of power can lead to depression and physical symptoms.

          In somewhat healthier relationships, both partners vie for power in ongoing power struggles. These typically revolve around money, chores, childcare, and negotiating how and with whom time is spent. To avoid conflict, some couples segregate domains where they each exercise more control. Historically, mothers ruled the roost and fathers earned more and controlled finances. This continues in many families despite women’s improved earning power, especially when they have young children.

          Traditional roles are changing and becoming more egalitarian. Men are participating more in childcare and parenting. By working or having power outside the home, women learn that they can function outside the marriage. This potentially gives them greater power within the relationship. Some partners become resentful when everything isn’t split 50-50, but more critical is the perception of unfairness and imbalanced power. This can happen when our feelings and needs are ignored. We don’t feel listened to or that our input matters and feel unimportant and resentful. When we have no influence, we feel disrespected and powerless.

Shared Power 

           Self-worth and autonomy are pre-requisite to sharing power and feeling entitled to express our desires and needs, including needs for respect and reciprocity. In a healthy relationship, power is shared. Both partners take responsibility for themselves and to the relationship. Decisions are made jointly, and they feel safe and valued enough to be vulnerable. They’re able to say what we like and don’t like and what we want and won’t tolerate. Relationships and intimacy require boundaries. Otherwise, risking honest self-expression feels too threatening. Boundaries ensure mutual respect and the happiness of both partners.

Codependents and Power

          Codependents generally grow up in families where power was exercised over them in a dominant-submissive pattern. Their needs and feelings were ignored or criticized. When personal power and self-worth isn’t encouraged, we come to believe that power and love can’t coexist. Power gets a bad rep. We’re afraid of our own power and to feel safe and loved learn to accommodate and please others. For girls, this can be reinforced in families where women and girls are viewed as second-class or not encouraged to be assertive, autonomous, educated, and self-supporting.

           On the other hand, some children grow up to decide the best way to feel safe and get their needs met is to exercise power over others. This is also presents problems, since it breeds fear and resentment and makes our partner withdraw or behave in passive-aggressive ways.

          Many codependents have never learned to be assertive or how to problem-solve. They’re unable to know and assert their wants and needs or make decisions, often even for themselves. They relinquish control over themselves and often defer to others or don’t act at all. Assertiveness is empowering, but requires a foundation of autonomy and self-esteem, both difficult for codependents. However, assertiveness can be learned, and doing so builds self-esteem.

          Control is one of the primary symptoms of codependency – control of self and/or others. It becomes confused with power. Because codependents lack a sense of power in their lives, instead try to manipulate and control others. Instead of taking responsibility for their own happiness, which would be empowering, codependents’ focus is external. Rather than attend to their needs directly, they try to exercise power over others and control others to make themselves feel okay on the inside. They think, “I’ll change him (or her) to do what I want, and then I’ll be happy.” This behavior is based on the erroneous belief that we can change others. But when our expectations aren’t met, we feel more helpless and powerless.  

How to Become Empowered   

          Love and power are not incongruous. In fact, love doesn’t mean giving up oneself, which eventually leads to resentment. Love actually requires the exercise of power. To claim our power means learning to live consciously, taking responsibility for ourselves and choices, building self-esteem, and asking directly for our needs and wants. As we learn to express ourselves honestly and set boundaries and say no, we create safety and mutual respect, allowing our partner to do the same. See my ebook, How To Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits.

          Becoming more autonomous is also important, not only to build self-esteem, but autonomy assures us that that we can survive on our own. That knowledge makes us less dependent on others’ approval. This allows couples to be less reactive. They’re able to share their feelings, hear each other’s needs, problem-solve, and negotiate without becoming defensive or blaming. Sharing our vulnerability – our feelings, wants, and needs – actually strengthens our true self in an environment of mutuality and trust. Thus, asserting our power permits safety and allows for intimacy and love to flourish. When we feel powerless or unsafe, love and the health of the relationship are threatened.

©Darlene Lancer 2014

6 thoughts on “Power, Control, and Codependency

  1. Hi Veronica, It seems like all your problems with addictions including codependency all fall under the umbrella of alcoholism. You need to get well and let everyone else get well on their own also. You seem to be enabling everyone around you because you say you are a drinker and that’s when some of us, especially people in Alanon find out that they belong in AA to put the drink down, do the steps with God and a loving Big Book Sponsor so that you can have spirituality in your life. How can you help anyone first of all if you aren’t sober because you keep doing the same things over and over and expect a different result. That’s insanity. It must be very hard to watch your family suffer around you, I can attest to that, but you aren’t helping anyone who doesn’t want it and it’s not up to you anyway. In fact you probably are making the situations worse because you seem to be saying you have the disease. I don’t know but at least find out? Are you powerless over alcohol? Is your life unmanageable? Get yourself a good sponsor and see if you need to stop drinking. The whole ship is sinking and you can’t expect yourself to stop it alone without anyone’s help. It hurts and is very devastating, I know, I just went through it for 40 years. I never ever knew what a codependent was until I read Darlene’s websight. Her self esteem, assertiveness info and especially her book on Codependency for Dummies as well as her whole website is a big awakening for people like myself. She has the information and resources on the total chaos that our lives entail. I am very lucky God pointed me to this website. You can do this for yourself if you put that drink down first and take care of you. First things First. I wish you all the best from my heart.

  2. I was born a co-dependent if that is possible. Lol I grew up with alcoholics, married an emotionally unavailable man that drank everyday. I got sicker and sicker; started going to al anon , ended up in AA , divorced , married a recovering alcoholic; had both my daughter’s using crack with 2 little granddaughters I tried to keep out of the system, husband #2 left me, daughter with children moved in with me and did start turning her life around but other daughter ended up with a 6 year prison sentence; I started drinking again and met a guy right after my mother died,whom I took care of the last 6 months of her life, who was emotionally abusive but needed my health insurance, so I married him . I became suicidal again after 6 months in and went to treatment. I also decided to go back to AA , so husband #3 decides its over. I now go to 3 meetings a week, therapy and aftercare. I work the steps with a sponsor, but I need lots of help so—– what do you suggest I read first????? I love everything you write! Thanks

  3. Everything on this entire website apples to my life to a tee. I now need to go through more pain to get the healing I need. I am once again devastated. It would take a lifetime of total commitment from both spouses to get this codependency issue resolved. Seems very unlikely to ever be resolved together. Any ideas?

    • Of course it’s ideal when both partners take responsibility for themselves and want to work on healing; however, when one person changes, it forces the dynamics of the couple to change. So start working on yourself. All your efforts in building self-esteem and autonomy won’t be for naught. The marriage should improve, and you’ll be in a better place to move on if it doesn’t.

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