Divorce it entails loss, even if you wanted it. Aside from the ending of the relationship with your spouse, you may be losing your home, time with your children, in-laws, extended family, and even friends. There are inevitable financial losses, loneliness, a change of lifestyle, imagined losses of what might have been, and of memories of what once was. It may involve a move to a different city, a change of jobs or schools, or a homemaker entering the work force for the first time.
Divorce is harder on the spouse who is less prepared or feels “left.” It can shatter your self-esteem, particularly if it was unexpected, or if your spouse left because he or she loves someone else. Not usually talked about is the loss of identity that occurs – as a wife, a husband, and possibly as a father or mother. To successfully move on, each loss must be mourned. Much of the grief work can precede the physical and legal divorce and smooth the way. It can be useful to recognize Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not mentioned is fear, which is a predominant emotion in times of transition. All change is stressful. Facing the unknown is provokes anxiety. So many important elements of ones life are in transition all at once, that the stress is enormous.
Divorce frequently rekindles the pain associated with past losses, such as an abortion, a death, immigration, or your own parents’ divorce. One man so looked-up to his late father who had died when he was only four years old, that when his own son reached four, he not only divorced, but moved out of state, claiming he needed to get away from his ex. But the proximity to his ex-wife was not the real motivation. It was the painful, hidden memory of his father’s abandonment and the prospect of tarnishing his father’s idealized reputation by meeting his own son’s needs.
Many times, there have been both a prior loss and lack of separation from a parent, as in the case of a woman who was overly close with her mother following the death of her father. With such spouses the threat of loss is overwhelming. She hadn’t finished grieving her father, and hadn’t separated emotionally from her mother. This made “letting go” of her marriage nearly impossible. She created disputes and obstacles to settlement in order to postpone the divorce, thereby avoiding their grief, feelings of helplessness, emptiness and abandonment. In such cases, anger helps to separate, yet on-going fighting is a way of staying in contact.
Often spouses fluctuate between attachment and separation, sometimes being compliant, then resistant. They cannot cooperate without feeling they are giving up a part of themselves. For example, everything can be agreed upon but one insignificant item – one piece of art, or custody on Halloween. One couple had everything worked out; father would pay for the children’s daycare, named in the agreement. When the facility unexpectedly went out of business, he refused to pay for an alternative daycare and instead wanted to take custody. This endless struggle for control over every last detail represents the spouses’ last-ditch effort to avoid finality of the marriage and the pain of separation, loss, and abandonment. In therapy, spouses can work through their fears of separation and losses. They learn to distinguish the earlier trauma from the present and resolve their anger and grief towards their parents and spouses, which helps them to heal and move on. To get tips for overcoming the pain of rejection, see “Recovery from Rejection and Breakups.” Listen to the seminar, Breakup Recovery.
Social support is especially important. Newly divorced people may not be ready to date or feel uncomfortable dating after married life. Creating a single lifestyle takes time. For some, they may have never lived alone. You may not be used to attending cultural and social events alone or have a companion with whom to go. Church and support groups, such as Divorce Anonymous, Parents Without Partners, and New Beginnings all can provide both support and a social network.
Take time out from your stress. Make time for yourself and find an activity that involves and relaxes you. Exercise that is fun, such as dancing, hiking, sports, or biking give you double benefits. A creative hobby will nurture you. Try meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises for deep relaxation. Listen to my interview and get tips for Bouncing Back from Divorce.
The worst will pass, and you will be stronger.
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT, Copyright, 2009
Darlene Lancer is a Marriage & Family Therapist, author and popular speaker, and formerly was an attorney and Senior Mediator in Los Angeles Conciliation Court. She maintains a private psychotherapy practice in Santa Monica. Get your for a free “14 Tips for Letting go.”