Recovery from Codependency

Codependency is often thought of as a relationship problem and considered by many to be a disease. In the past, it was applied to relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts. It is a relationship problem; however, the relationship that’s the problem is not with someone else, but the relationship with yourself, and that is what gets reflected in your relationships with others.

Codependency underlies all addictions. The core symptom of “dependency” manifests as reliance on a person, substance, or process (i.e, activity, such as gambling or sex addiction). Instead of having a healthy relationship with yourself, you make something or someone else more important. Over time, your thoughts, feelings, and actions revolve around that other person, activity, or substance, and you increasingly abandon your relationship with yourself.

Recovery entails a 180 degree reversal of this pattern in order to reconnect with, honor, and act from your core self. Healing develops the following characteristics:

*   You’re authentic

*   You’re autonomous

*   You’re capable of intimacy

*   Your values, thoughts, feelings, and actions become integrated and congruent

Change is not easy. It takes time and involves the following four steps:

1. Abstinence

Abstinence or sobriety is necessary to recover from codependency. The goal is to bring your attention back to yourself, to have an internal, rather than external, “locus of control.” This means that your actions are primarily motivated by your values, needs, and feelings, not someone else’s. You learn to meet those needs in healthy ways. Perfect abstinence or sobriety isn’t necessary for progress, and it’s impossible with respect to codependency with people. You need and depend upon others and therefore give and compromise in relationships. Instead of abstinence, you learn to detach and not control, people-please, or obsess about others. You become more self-directed and autonomous.

If you’re involved with an abuser or addict or grew up as the child of one, you may be afraid to displease your partner, and it can require great courage to break that pattern of conceding our power to someone else.

2. Awareness

It’s said that denial is the hallmark of addiction. This is true whether you’re an alcoholic or in love with one. Not only do codependents deny their own addiction – whether to a drug, activity, or a person – they deny their feelings, and especially their needs, particularly emotional needs for nurturing and real intimacy.

You may have grown up in a family where you weren’t nurtured, your opinions and feelings weren’t respected, and your emotional needs weren’t adequately met. Over time, rather than risk rejection or criticism, you learned to ignore your needs and feelings, believed that you’re were wrong. Some decided to become self-sufficient and/or find comfort in sex, food, drugs, or work.

All this leads to low self-esteem. To reverse these destructive habits, you first must become aware of them. The most damaging obstacle to self-esteem is negative self-talk. Most people aren’t aware of their internal voices that push and criticize them – their “Pusher,” “Perfectionist,” and “Critic.” To help you, I wrote a handy ebook, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem – The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism.

3. Acceptance

Healing essentially involves self-acceptance. This is not only a step, but a life-long journey. People come to therapy to change themselves, not realizing that the work is about accepting themselves. Ironically, before you can change, you have to accept the situation. As they say, “What you resist, persists.”

In recovery, more about yourself is revealed that requires acceptance, and life itself presents limitations and losses to accept. This is maturity. Accepting reality opens the doors of possibility. Change then happens. New ideas and energy emerge that previously were stagnated from self-blame and fighting reality. For example, when you feel sad, lonely, or guilty, instead of making yourself feel worse, you have self-compassion, soothe yourself, and take steps to feel better.

Self-acceptance means that you don’t have to please everyone for fear that they won’t like you. You honor your needs and unpleasant feelings and are forgiving of yourself and others. This good-will toward yourself allows you to be self-reflective, without being self-critical. Your self-esteem and confidence grow, and consequently, you don’t allow others to abuse you or tell you what to do. Instead of manipulating, you become more authentic and assertive, and are capable of greater intimacy.

4. Action

Insight without action only gets you so far. In order to grow, self-awareness and self-acceptance must be accompanied by new behavior.  This involves taking risks and venturing outside your comfort one. It may involve speaking up, trying something new, going somewhere alone, or setting a boundary. It also means setting internal boundaries by keeping commitments to yourself, or saying “no” to your Critic or other old habits you want to change. Instead of expecting others to meet all your needs and make you happy, you learn to take actions to meet them, and do things that give you fulfillment and satisfaction in your life.

Each time you try out new behavior or take a risk, you learn something new about yourself and your feelings and needs. You’re creating a stronger sense of yourself, as well as self-confidence and self-esteem. This builds upon itself in a positive feedback loop vs. the downward spiral of codependency, which creates more fear, depression, and low self-esteem.

Words are actions. They have power and reflect your self-esteem. Becoming assertive is a learning process and is perhaps the most powerful tool in recovery. Assertiveness requires that you know yourself and risk making that public. It entails setting limits. This is respecting and honoring you. You get to be the author of your life – what you’ll do and not do and how people will treat you. Because being assertive is so fundamental to recovery, I wrote How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits.

The four A’s are a road map. Learn all you can about recovery. Join a 12-Step Program and begin keeping a journal to know yourself better. Codependency for Dummies lays out a detailed recovery plan with self-discovery exercises, tips, and daily reminders. Your recovery must be your priority. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself on your journey.

© Darlene Lancer 2013

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13 thoughts on “Recovery from Codependency

  1. I didnt realize I was codep..until I listen to your video. Im the type that takes care of others and I have no needs. I have supressed my emotions so long Im not sure what I feel and what to do with them when I do feel

  2. Thank you for this article I’m so happy to have found it. I’m sitting here 40 yrs young 5 kids 2 failed marriages and 1 failed engagement. Knowing to myself something just isn’t right. I’m smart beautiful I love my kids but yet I attract these Narcissistics personality type men. While I’m reading articles on the Narcissistics personality disorder I came across the codependency personality disorder. I decided to look into further. I sit here with tears rolling down my face because all my life I’ve been mentally screwed up and had no clue. The pain I had been through and it’s been allot. I knew I needed help but now I understand why.

  3. I am definitely a codependent personality as I have found out from my past 13 year relationship with a very strong female personality( maybe a bpd)
    And I going through a highly emotional rejection which is causing tremendous grief and realizing I am as much of the the problem as she is by allowing her to be emotional abusive and not setting boundaries which has left me in a dismal state.,
    I definitely need to heal my codendency that I have carried all my life and now realizing it at 62 years of age!

  4. You may have grown up in a family where you weren’t nurtured, your opinions and feelings weren’t respected(more like recognized), and your emotional needs weren’t adequately met. Over time, rather than risk rejection or criticism, you learned to ignore your needs and feelings, believed that you’re were wrong (selfish). Some decided to become self-sufficient and/or find comfort in … work.

    I don’t have a Kindle Darlene is there another way to read your book?
    Thanks a lot.

    • My books are available to download in PDF and other versions at the links provided. The two paperbacks are available for purchase in stores and on Amazon and are also in libraries. If not, you can request them.

  5. Thank you for your very insightful article. I guess I have known for a long time that I was co-dependent. I stayed in a 35 year marriage where he had more than 20 affairs. I filed for divorce 2 years ago, I just started dating and find myself right back in the same pattern, I make excuses for his drinking and very controlling jealous behavior. Today, after him laying down “the law” to me last night how I shouldn’t have gone to a family event for memorial day, I’m sad and depressed rather than angry. Logically I know I have to end this (only 3 month) relationship. But fear is holding me back and I don’t know why. I’m just starting this journey and appreciate all the insight I can get to help my very fragile self-esteem.

  6. Hi Darlene

    After watching your videos on YouTube I started reading your book, Codependency for Dummies. REading it opened my eyes to the changes that I am making towards recovery. The road is not easy but I have taken the first steps. Thank you for writing the book.

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