The Truth about Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships

Over three million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year, and that includes men as well as women. Nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men. One-third of women and one-fourth of men will have experienced some sort of interpersonal violence, and for one-fourth of women and one-seventh of men, it’s severe. (For more statistics, visit

What isn’t talked about, but is serious, is emotional abuse that ranges from withholding to controlling, and includes manipulation and verbal abuse. The number of people affected is astronomical. Emotional abuse is insidious and slowly eats away at your confidence and self-esteem. The effects are long term, and can take even longer to recover from than blatant violence.

Facts about Abuse

Often victims minimize violence. This is their denial. Violence includes throwing or breaking things, slapping, shoving, hair-pulling, and forced sex. Here are some facts you should know:

  • Usually, abuse takes place behind closed doors.
  • Abusers deny their actions.
  • Abusers blame the victim.
  • Violence is preceded by verbal abuse.
  • It damages your self-esteem.
  • Presence of a gun in the home increases homicide rates by 500%.
  • Two-thirds of domestic violence perpetrators have been drinking
  • One-third of victims have been drinking or using drugs.

The Typical Abuser

You may not realize that abusers feel powerless. They don’t act insecure to cover up the truth. In fact, they’re often bullies. The one thing they all have in common is that their motive is to have power over you. This is because they don’t feel that they have personal power, regardless of worldly success. To them, communication is a win-lose game. They often have the following personality profile:

  • Insecure
  • Needy and has unrealistic expectations of a relationship
  • Distrustful
  • Often jealous
  • Verbally abusive
  • Needs to be right and in control
  • Possessive; may try to isolate partner from friends and family
  • Hypersensitive and reacts aggressively
  • Has a history of aggression
  • Cruel to animals or children
  • Blames their behavior on others
  • Suffers from untreated mental health problems (including depression or suicidal behavior)

How to Respond

Most victims of abuse respond in a rational way. They explain themselves and believe that the abuser is interested in what they have to say. This lets abusers know that they’ve won and have control over you. You must design your own strategy and not react, thereby not rewarding the abusive behavior. You can do this by not engaging or by responding in an unpredictable way, such as with humor, which throws an abuser off-guard. You can also ask for the behavior you want, set limits, and confront the abuse. Most victims do the opposite and placate and appease an abuser to deescalate tension and risk of harm. It never works. Abuse continues.

The Truth about Violence

If you’ve experienced violence, then it’s essential to get support and learn how to set limits. Abusers deny or minimize the problem – as do victims – and may claim that they can’t control themselves. This is untrue. Notice that they aren’t abusive with their boss – when there are consequences to their behavior. They also blame their actions on you, implying that you need to change. You’re never responsible for someone else’s behavior.

You may recognize the Cycle of Violence:

  1. A build-up of tension
  2. The attack
  3. Remorse and apology
  4. A honeymoon period of loving gestures

Sometimes, the threat of violence is all the abuser needs to control you, like a terrorist. The best time to abort violence is in the build-up stage. Some victims will even provoke an attack to get it over with, because their anxiety and fear is so great. After an attack, abusers say how sorry they are and promise never to repeat it, but without counseling to treat the underlying causes of the abuse repeat itself. DO NOT believe their promises.

Why Victims Stay

There are many reasons why victims stay in a relationship. Statistics show that victims of violence endure up to seven attacks. The dominant reason is dependency. Control by the abuser, shame about the abuse, and the dysfunctional nature of the relationship lowers the victims self-esteem and confidence and often cause the victim to withdraw from friends and family, creating even more dependency on the abuser. The abuse itself is experienced as an emotional rejection with the threat of being abandoned. This triggers feelings of shame and fears of abandonment in the victim, which are then relieved during the honeymoon phase. Then victims hope the abuser will change. After all, there are good times in between episodes of abuse. There are reasons why the person loves or did love the abuser, and often children are involved.

Abusers can have a moody, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. Dr. Jekyll is often charming and romantic, perhaps successful, and makes pronouncements of love. You love Dr. Jekyll and make excuses for Mr. Hyde. You don’t see that the whole person is the problem. If you’ve had a painful relationship with a parent growing up, you can confuse love and pain. Victims also stay for the following reasons:

  • Financial
  • Nowhere to live
  • No outside emotional support
  • Childcare problems
  • They take the blame for the abuse
  • They deny, minimize, and rationalize the abuse
  • Low self-esteem and confidence
  • They love the abuser

If you’re a victim of abuse, you feel ashamed. You’ve been humiliated by the abuser and your self-esteem and confidence have been undermined. You hide the abuse from people close to you, often to protect the reputation of the abuser and because of your own shame. An abuser uses tactics to isolate you from friends and loved ones by criticizing them and making remarks designed to force you take sides. You’re either for them or against them. If the abuser feels slighted, then you have to take his or her side, or you’re befriending the enemy. This is designed to increase control over you and your dependence upon him or her.

Steps You Can Take

It’s essential to build outside resources and talk about what’s going on in your relationship. A professional is the best person, because you can build your self-esteem and learn how to help yourself without feeling judged or rushed into taking action. If you can’t afford private individual therapy, find a low-fee clinical in your city, learn all you can from books and online resources, join online forums, and find a support group at a local battered women’s shelter. Do this even if it means keeping a secret. You’re entitled to your privacy.

To avoid getting involved with an abuser when you’re dating, beware of someone who:

  • Insists on having his or her way and won’t compromise
  • Has outbursts of anger
  • Is rude to others
  • Criticizes you or your family
  • Is jealous or possessive
  • Is paranoid
  • Threatens you

Pay attention to these signs despite the fact that the person is pursuing you and expressing love and affection. An abuser won’t risk becoming abusive until he or she is confident that you won’t leave. First, he or she will try to win you over and isolate you from friends and family. Often, violence doesn’t start until after marriage or the birth of a child, when you’re less likely to leave.

If you’re threatened by abuse, call 1-800-799-SAFE. Some steps you can take to prepare for an emergency are:

  • Open bank and credit cards in your own name.
  • Have a safe place to go at a friend or relative.
  • Have a bag packed at that place with necessary valuables and important legal papers, passport, bank information, credit cards, phone book, and money. Also pack clothes for your children and some toys.
  • Alert neighbors to call the police if they hear loud suspect danger.
  • Make extra car and house keys. Hide a car key outside so you can get away.
  • If there is a weapon in the house, remove it.

Remember, by not confronting abuse to avoid the risk of losing someone’s love, you risk losing your Self.

©Darlene Lancer, MFT 2012, 2017


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13 thoughts on “The Truth about Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships

  1. In the cycle of abuse, is it possible that there is never a remorse period by the abuser? That the abuser blames the victim for the attack and after the blame is accepted by the victim, the remorse comes from the victim instead? Sometimes perspective through denial and blaming can make things so confusing…

    • Blaming the victim is common. Some malignant narcissists or sociopaths don’t feel guilt or remorse. See my blog, “Sociopath or Narcissist?.” Rather than try to understand the abuser, work on your own self-esteem and ability to set boundaries. Get counseling or outside support immediately, because abuse and projection will confuse you and undermine your self-worth.

  2. When I was drinking I was guilty of all those things. Jealosy, anger, & control was my biggest problem. I was only violent once when my spouse went out with a person home on leave from Vietnam. I never have hit my wife & once her & I was at a AA meeting i shared that i never hit her & she said, you might as well have hit me because the emotional abuse hurt just as bad. I have never forgot that. I have been sober 22 yrs now & have made my amends. Now I’m abused by her passive aggressiveness, go figure.

  3. Thank you for this article. I did not realize I was a codependent. I knew that this relationship wasn’t healthy though. I keep “pleasing” him every time he has packed 23 times in less than two months. After almost 7 years of leaving and returning. Good thing is I divorced him. Now I know its not in my head. I will read 10 Steps to Self Esteem and Codependency for Dummies . thanks everyone and Darlene for this article. I feel so trapped, but I will break free.

  4. After 35 yrs he walked out the door and went his merry way. I had suffered his Narcissistic Verbal abuse all those years and had never discussed this anyone. He had me so beat down I had a stress related stroke. The stress first attacked my central nervous system a year and a half before it attacked my immune system. I seized and was told later that it was triggered by a medication interaction or an allergic reaction to a medication. (I found out later t was a blood pressure medication) It later attacked my physical body. During this period of time my ex-husband planned the divorce. He got everything including my self esteem.

  5. Thanks for finally writing about Codependent Women, Emotional Codependency
    in Relationships by Darlene Lancer, MFT <Loved it!

  6. What helped me most was writing down lists of the bad Mr Hyde things he did. The list ranged from criticising my housekeeping to abandonment and adultery. Whenever my heart would ache for Dr Jekyll I would pull out pen and paper and force myself to look at the Mr Hyde
    Before too long all I needed to do was repeat to myself:”he can’t be trusted, he can’t be depended on, he has no honor or integrity”- and I gradually began to feel free. My shrink told me I forgave too quickly, that first I had to get angry, and only then could I forgive and be free. Making the lists really helped me get in touch with the anger.

    • Thanks Amalie, your comment is helpful to others. It’s true that victims of abuse forgive quickly, but the real problem is that they forget too quickly and believe broken promises over and over. This is because they want to keep connected. The disconnection feels worse than the abuse. Glad that you were able to find freedom for yourself. Sometimes, long after, victims of abuse still have PTSD that affects their health or other relationships.

      • The disconnection feels much worse and I still struggle with that everyday, and absolutely feel like I struggle with PTSD as well. But my method of dealing with it – after driving 3000 miles away from him – is to write down all the longing and hurt and then to force myself to writethe bad things he used to do to me. It’s a little bit like AA’s 4th step – yes he did them but yes I accepted them. Until one night I didn’t, I calle his new psychiatrist for help, and THEN he really blew, and left me. So I follow you on twitter and Facebook, read your books, get therapy, and just keep on going. Thank you Darlene

  7. I left an emotionally verbal abuser 6 months ago. This is not the first time I had been abused by a man. This one never got physically violent because he knew better. He had been arrested for abusing his ex-wife but he always downplayed it, like it was just a little bruise from him squeezing her hand. One would have to squeeze pretty hard to cause a bruise.
    The real abuse started when I said something to a relative I had not seen for years. This relative was engaged and I told him I had cold feet about getting married. This is the thing that set off the anger and lengthy “arguments”, he called them – me trying to get away and him following me around the house for hours. I did not feel I was arguing with anyone. I was scared and he would sit by the door so I couldn’t get out. The first one lasted for 12 hours – from 3pm to 3am. He blamed it all on me, of course. I learned things about him that up to then he had managed to hide – his racism, his jealousy, his resentment towards my daughter and friends, his hatred. I was so taken aback by this, I told a couple coworkers about it. I wish I had left then. I really do not recall why I didn’t just pack up and leave. Maybe I did blame myself for part of it. Anyway, I am out now and am realizing that I have much work to do to get myself where I feel good and have some confidence and self-appreciation. I tend to isolate and am afraid to make friends for fear they will not approve of me or something. I am not sure what it is but I do know that my life has held a lot of situations that caused my self-esteem great harm. Perhaps I should begin writing about it all. I am just getting to the point after 6 months where I feel motivated to live life normally. Never having lived alone, I realize that most of what I have done in the past was either to please others or make points for myself so they wouldn’t want to leave me. That makes me sad to think that, but now it is time to get better and see what life is like as a healthy person without being chained to so many dysfunctions.

    • Mary,
      You have some great insights. Yes, shame and low self-esteem originating in childhood lead to fear of abandonment and getting into abusive relationship. Building your self-esteem is the first step of recovery. See my books. Codependency for Dummies and 10 steps to Self-Esteem will help you. Best wishes. Darlene

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