5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing September 20, 2016 By BrwnSgr
This book is simply amazing. It is as if Lancer has been given insight into my soul. The exercises have helped me tremendously. This will be a “go-to” resource when I feel shame creeping back in. I recommend this book for all individuals who identify as codependent and/or recovering codependent. Thank you, Darlene.
5.0 out of 5 stars This book is by far the best. April 15, 2015 By Mel512
I’ve read several books trying to understand shame and it’s effect on individuals and relationships. This book is by far the best. She has deconstructed and described it beautifully. She is understands how it can link with addiction, but the information is broader than that and useful even if addiction is not what brings you to read this book. She has an interesting section describing the main types of codependents, and notes that the Master can also be a narcissist. She offers very helpful insights, through her analysis of shame and codependence, for anyone struggling to understand a narcissist in their life.
5.0 out of 5 stars Highly recommended 30 June 2016 By Carrie (UK)
I can’t recommend this book enough if you have codependency issues. It totally resonated with me and is the best book I have read on codependency. And I have read alot. Not only does it give you an insight into this deep rooted issue but it guides you through steps to break free. My self esteem vastly improved in days of reading this and I actually do feel freer.
5.0 out of 5 stars Incredibly insightful and helpful book! 8 August 2016 By Magson (UK)
This book is incredibly helpful and eye-opening to anyone who wants to heal their co-dependency. It’s written with illuminating clarity and a solid structure which makes it easy to follow, despite the painful nature of the topic. The strategies and exercises included are simple yet profoundly effective. What stands out whilst reading this book is that it’s written to maximize the healing benefit of the reader. Darlene is clearly an expert in this field, has a profound understanding of co-dependency and focuses on the practical aspects of the recovery. What makes this book even more effective is the fact that she conveys her knowledge with plenty of kindness and compassion. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wishes to gain a better understanding of co-dependency and heal their emotional wounds and relationships. This book is one of the best books on this topic out there and Darlene is one of the best authors in this field.
5.0 out of 5 stars This is an excellent book! It has helped me overcome my anxiety, May 18, 2015 By Korryn Suprys
This is an excellent book! It’s helped me overcome my anxiety shame in many aspects of my life. I highly recommend this book!
5.0 out of 5 stars Got to the nitty gritty April 18, 2016 By Marsha Jauregui
I enjoyed the explanations it gave on the different types of codependents. It was very informative than any other codependent book I have read. The activities to eliminate shame and guilt helped me so much and something I’m going to continue doing. It took me further in my path to recovery.
5.0 out of 5 stars A book that offers clarity for human relationships 27 April 2016 By Steven Lane (UK)
This book offers both clarity and depth, Darlene has a very human(e) and direct writing style which helps to digest a subject that can be ‘difficult reading’. This is a fabulously practical and insightful book for both personal and professional development, I have found benefit in both areas of my life. This book has supported me in working on my own shame and codependency and more generally in developing healthier relationships.
5.0 out of 5 stars Packed with Information August 17, 2016 By Amazon Customer
Excellent book provides insight into shame. I’ve read other books on shame but this one “clicked” for me.
I purchased this after following Darlene Lancer’s blog. I still love the blog, and now I love this book.
5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful and practical ways to overcome shame, October 12, 2014 by Steve Heller
Great book. A must read as shame is a topic that everyone has experienced or knows someone who has. The book offers an in-depth look at what it is, the ineffective ways that we try to avoid feeling it’s pain, the damage it does in relationships and steps to overcoming it and finding your true self. I’ve read Brene Brown’s work, which is research based and good and Darlene Lancers’ book offers so much more insight and practical guidance mined from her years of experience as a therapist. If you want to have healthier relationships and live a happier life, this book is a great tool!
This book covered all the major areas of shame and codependent behavior and kept the focus on the reader. It provided comforting statements, practical exercises, and a tremendous amount of insight. If you read just one book on codependency this could be it.
I have read many books on self esteem and shyness. Even though I suffer(ed) from self esteem and social anxiety issues, the books just didn’t connect with me…I started reading this book and immediately I felt a very strong connection with what Darlene was writing about on shame and codependency. I was made to know that codependent relationships can be substance abuser/rescuer OR accommodator/taker. That was me, I was the accommodator (Mr. Nice Guy). This thrusted my journey on healing my ailment of self hatred and shame. This book is very well written and straight forward.
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent, clear, January 4, 2016 By Sula
Excellent, clear, precise…shows how codependency is a consequence of abuse and the toxic shame it causes and how to easily and effectively address it. Full of Darlene’s awesome and practical tips, lesson, and tools one can use immediately! ~Evelyn Ryan, Author
5.0 out of 5 stars Client borrow this and said it is an amazing book that helped her a lot, December 18, 2015, By Teena
Let a client borrow this and she said it is an amazing book that has helped her a lot.
5.0 out of 5 stars Life-Changing 28 August 2016 By Penman (UK)
This book is truly amazing. It really gets down to the early roots of shame…in terms of understanding what’s going on it’s unparalleled.
5.0 out of 5 stars The subtitle is honest January 12, 2017, By George Mchughon
The perfect book for this moment in my life. It empathizes deeply with the reader who is suffering from repressed shame. Doing the exercises at the end of each chapter has been great for my self-reflection.
5.0 out of 5 stars Highly recommended 13 May 2016 By Natty (UK)
Excellent knowledge & wisdom. A book to refer to periodically. Thanks Darlene
5.0 out of 5 stars Good book, best I have found so far, January 19, 2016 By Bonita BitemeAlphbets
My husband and I are going through this book. It isn’t something we are taking lightly. Good book, best I have found so far in Codependency. I have unhooked several triggers in my life so far from the second go around with Conquering Shame and Codependency.
5.0 out of 5 stars From A Codependent Author and Fan, July 24, 2014 By Lisa A. Romano
As an author, life coach, advocate and mentor to those suffering from the web of confusion and self sabotage codependent thinking is–I make it a point to read as much information as I can by others who share my same mission in life . . . Darlene Lancer’s approach is quite thorough and I believe deals head on with the topic of shame that in many ways causes beings to stay stuck in the negative loops codependent thinking is. As Darlene breaks the concepts down, the reader begins to soften its hate towards the innocent Self–and in so doing–Darlene is able to send her healing intent directly to the heart of her reader right where the healing journey must begin. GOOD JOB DARLENE!!!! Namaste…
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent and Intelligently Written July 12, 2016 By Eugenia
This books points out (shame) many forms. The author also gives you some guidelines as to how to reduce this saboteur. Plainly written and easily understood. An excellent book. I highly recommend it.
5.0 out of 5 stars Terrific Book for Loved Ones of Addicts and the Mentally Ill, January 13, 2015 By Suzanne Miller “Concerned Spouse”
As a “self-help” author and addiction specialist, I always appreciate when a book this clear and useful comes along. Kudo’s to the author for capturing the struggle of so many who give away their love with little but pain in return.
5.0 out of 5 stars Well thought out, insightful and often quite disturbing November 22, 2016 By Sancturian
So what can I say about this book? It is well thought out, insightful and often quite disturbing. I say disturbing as the revelation of personal truths can sometimes be hard to take. There is another book by Darlene Lancer, that I would recommend before this one. Codependency for Dummies, which I found more structured and to my liking. Make no mistake, however, this book will enlighten you on parts of yourself you didn’t know existed. It will explain why things go wrong in all areas of your life and what you can do to correct them. In summation, if you want a book to help you understand codependency, Darlene Lancer is the author for you.
5.0 out of 5 stars A Life Changing Liberating Book April 21, 2015 By Chartered Psychologist (England)
I recently found this brilliant book by Darlene Lancer and quickly realized it is probably the best ‘self-help’ book I have ever read, recommended or used (over a period of 40 years as a Psychologist). Both content and process are spot on and it is also a very readable and useful book. It covers the shame experience and escaping shame…Darlene explains the concrete steps we can all take to let go of shame and live a more fulfilled and zestful life. Whether you are a mental health practitioner or an individual looking to live a more fulfilling life this book can help you heal shame and codependency. I agree with Darlene that this is potentially one of the most liberating things you will ever do. This is a life changing book which everyone should read. This is likely to be the best money you have ever spent.
In Conquering Shame and Codependency, Darlene Lancer has provided a practical prescription for healing that is clear, frank and effective. The book offers an in-depth look at shame and the maladaptive coping patterns we use to try to avoid feeling it. Both easily readable and scientifically grounded, Darlene offers eight key steps (and easy-to-follow exercises) to heal our shame, learn to love ourselves, develop self-and-other compassion and create healthier relationships.
Particularly helpful is the way the book sheds new light on how shame and codependency feed off one another. Throughout the book, Darlene weaves in concepts of self-esteem, personal boundaries, self-defeating thinking, emptiness, loneliness, and so much more. And she uses lots of charts and helpful graphics to help the reader understand key concepts. As an overeating therapist who works with shame and codependency on a daily basis, I plan to recommend this book to many of my clients. The book is a good resource for clinicians and lay persons alike. Thank you Darlene!
5.0 out of 5 stars Essential Reading for Recovering Codependents and Professionals, August 27, 2014 By Marc Kantor
I picked-up Darlene Lancer’s book, Conquering Shame and Codependency, simply by chance on my way to the airport, and it turned out to be a tremendous gift for myself and for my clients. As someone who works with codependent individuals on a daily basis, I am constantly discussing the concepts around personal boundaries, building self-esteem, overcoming feelings of shame, and breaking the cycle of codependency. Darlene eloquently addresses these common challenges in her book in a way that is easy to understand and identify with as the reader’s own behaviors. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading Conquering Shame and Codependency and highly recommend it to others. Marc Kantor is a professional drug and alcohol interventionist living in Washington, D.C.
5.0 out of 5 stars Darlene Lancer Conquering Shame and Codependency, June 25, 2014 By John McAndrew –
Darlene Lancer’s new book, Conquering Shame and Codependency, is like finally diving into the deep end of the pool. The topic of Shame and codependency are not easy to talk about, or define, and scary for most of us. I think we are beginning to see shame as the underlying issue in many of our lives. She has opened up my eyes in a very simple way, and offered some easy practices to see it, name it, and heal it. Her body of work really makes a difference in the world of recovery.
5.0 out of 5 starsFive Stars June 29, 2015 By “Maltinsky”
Almost every page had useful information. My highlighter was busy!
5.0 out of 5 starsThis is professional counseling–and its the best I’ve found November 13, 2016 By Lee Bee
So helpful, so practical. The clear analysis and examples of the myriad of dysfunctional dialogues + behaviors you have experienced and participated in, turn your mind from obsessing to honestly seeing and understanding the patterns + triggers. You can then begin empathizing with yourself and a new mindfulness begins to grow once you start dealing with the work you need to do in the exercises. I found this a true comfort and calm relief from the labyrinth of rumination and helped me to really get an almost immediate grip on my own despair and the resentment I held for my partner. I’m so thankful I found this.
5.0 out of 5 starsThe Insanity of Trapped Shame August 2, 2015 by Michael E. Kaplan
I began reading this book to learn more about codependency and how and why shame has taken a type of foothold in some of my behaviors. As an adult, I felt that somehow I was hard-wired to feelings that seemed to trigger and activate behaviors that I didn’t understand. The following are just a few of the examples of what I mean: Why do I withdraw and sometimes even isolate whenever I am criticized? Why do I have a need to people please? Why do I hold back my own opinions, and even fear rejection, particularly around other men? I was usually confused about my identity and why I continued these behaviors!
I had noted her success with her book entitled Codependency for Dummies and liked her knowledge and depth of understanding codependency and also her writing style. I purchased 6 copies, keeping one for myself. I gave two family members and 3 friends a copy and asked all 5 of them to join me reading, discussing and sharing as best we could. As I read, worked and shared, I found a deep rooted shame based set of behaviors that I could understand. Lancer’s 8 steps outline [is] a process for uncovering, sharing, letting go, rebuilding my self esteem and love for myself. Is this a powerful book? It is life changing!! Thank you Darlene Lancer!
4.0 out of 5 stars Focuses on building your self esteem Jan. 22, 2015
I stumbled across Darlene’s website when googling ’emotional unavailable men.’ Then came across her blog and opened up to many people in my predicament, meeting someone they thought was real, setting up and falling in love with a strong connection then to have it either fade or being promptly abandoned and you’re left hurt and bewildered, believing the emotional connection was real. Her book is a real study of how and why we make these connections. For me it is down to a low self esteem believing we are not worthy of love and attracting someone who ‘treats us as though we are unworthy of love and respect – just as we treat ourselves….We can only receive as much love as we feel we deserve.’ This resonated with me. It also touches on those who either pursue or avoid intimate relationships (cling versus cold/distant) Her book has many exercises to work through so if you prepared to study your true self, you are on your way to recognizing and conquering past relationship habits that are not healthy.
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars July 10, 2014 By Ann Haynes
Awesome. Darlene gets to the truth of dysfunctional behavior which affects peoples lives.
5.0 out of 5 stars Bought this for someone in my family and they liked it so much I read it, Sept 3, 2014 By Gina-Marie
I bought this for someone in my family and they liked it so much I read it. Great book.
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars, February 24, 2015 By Jane Elizabeth Hatcher
Brilliant insight into personality types and the deeper causes of neurosis and psychosis.
5.0 out of 5 stars This is an excellent aid to understanding shame April 12, 2015 By Wevetson
This is an excellent aid to understanding how shame, often born of experiences in one distant and unremembered past, can come to be a strong determinant in one’s present life.
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars, October 16, 2014 by Melissa Gharst
5.0 out of 5 starsThis book was written for me, about me, April 20, 2015 By Chris McElhill
5.0 out of 5 stars I thoroughly recommend this book to therapists November 16, 2015 By Saal S. (UK)
Very well written book. It holds the readers hand, and takes them safely through an area which is very difficult to discuss and bring into consciousness. I thoroughly recommend this book to therapists, but more so for vulnerable patients, as it is very gentle, and readers can go at their own pace.
5.0 out of 5 stars Help With Recovering Your True Self, July 25, 2014 By Lisa Frederiksen –
Darlene Lancer’s 25 years experience working with individuals crippled by shame and codependency (for which shame is typically the primary cause) and her empathetic, “been where you are” voice makes her latest book a must read for just about everyone. For as one will soon self-identify while reading her definitions of shame, it is an emotion many of us have grappled with – often throughout our lives. But with that realization and then following Darlene’s exercises to challenge it, as well as her steps to heal it, readers will find her book invaluable in their journey to conquer it and codependency to recover their true selves. Having done work similar to that which Darlene describes in her book to heal the impacts of four decades of coping with various family members and friends’ alcohol abuse and alcoholism, I can honestly say recovering my true self has made my life, today, something far beyond anything I could have imagined. Highly recommend!
5.0 out of 5 stars Conquer Codependency, Conquer Shame, Get on with Your True Self, August 23, 2014 By Jackie Paulson “Addicted to Reading”
Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You by Darlene Lancer talks about:
1. The shame experience
2. Shame and Identity
3. Escaping Shame
5. Shame and Symptoms of codependency
6. Love’s Silent Killer
7. Sexual Shame
8. 8 Steps to Free Your true self
The Introduction is a true account of how the author attended an Al-Alanon program in 1979, and she did not trust or value herself or even know who she was “outside the roles she played each day.” I think this is an experience most women encounter and we need to get off the treadmill of people pleasing and get back in touch with our feelings and stop people pleasing. Yes, steps to get over codependency. I loved the chart on page 129:
• Intense attraction
• Idealize each other and ignore difference
• Fall in love and make commitments
• Get to know each other
• Become disappointed
• Cling to romantic fantasy of love
• Try to change partner into ideal
• Feel resentful and unloved
That did it for me, because then you learn how to become whole and have healthy relationships. The information in this book was beyond my expectations, and I learned more about shame and how it can stem from childhood onto adulthood. This is my top ten list of favorites for 2014. © 2014 Jackie Paulson
4.0 out of 5 stars Conquering Shame and Codependency, February 12th, 2015 By Nancy Price
Of all the codependency books I have reviewed recently, this is the one I chose to use for sponsorship. The added emphasis on Shame was what reeled me in to my choice.
5.0 out of 5 stars I love it, September 6, 2014 By Philippa
Excellent book for those struggling with the past.
5.0 out of 5 stars Lancer’s landmark book examines the root of shame and its connection with codependency. It offers tools for healing from shame., June 22, 2014 By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW
Darlene Lancer’s breakthrough book sheds new light on the complicated topic of shame – an often misunderstood emotion. It offers eight key steps to heal from shame, learn self-love, and begin the journey of developing healthy relationships. While everyone deals with shame, not many people understand it or acknowledge it. Even though we might not share our stories of experiencing shame – we have vivid memories of them and they leave an imprint.
I agree with Lancer that shame is often silent and self-inflicted – yet still has a powerful impact. Many individuals suffer silently and needlessly because they lack self-worth – so don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable and trust intimate partners due to fear of rejection. Shame can cause us to stay stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns if we don’t heal from it. I found this book informative because I grew up in a dysfunctional, divorced family and have experienced shame but never understood how it contributed to my codependent tendencies. After all, self-awareness is the first step in the process of change. It will also provide a valuable resource for my clients who have endured the divorce experience and often feel shamed and powerless to move on with their lives. This book is an excellent resource for both mental health providers and the general public.
5.0 out of 5 stars Five StarsJuly 12, 2015 By Donna Youngers
Excellent. Wish I knew about this stuff years ago.
5.0 out of 5 stars Moving Forward July 9, 2015 By Charlotte
Excellent book to help in recovery and move forward with our lives. Easy to read and understand and now it is up to us/me to follow the steps.
5.0 out of 5 stars Recommended, slow and emotional May 17, 2016 by PissyKrissy
CBT Therapist suggested this reading. I highly recommend this book, as well as podcasts and attending CoDA.
5.0 out of 5 starsLove Yourself May 23, 2016 by R. Bukowski
This book puts it home that loving oneself is the solution to self-care. Our usefulness to others cannot determine the love we have for ourselves.
4.0 out of 5 stars Four Stars May 25, 2016 By Andrew S
Great read. Very informative and gives examples to drive points home.